201. Shit I DID say at work

After a really long bad day, my office crush leaves me a post-it note on my inner office window saying "hi" then comes back and smushes his face up against it. "Remember when this place didn't eat your soul?" he notices the smudge he left and then proceeds to clean my window - all in all making it worse.

ME: I could sit here all day and watch you wash my window.

DID I JUST SAY THAT OUTLOUD.

200. Shit I want to say at work

You make fun of people all day, end friendships because of a 'tone', Hate gays, liberals, non-Catholics, non-whites, offend me on a daily basis and wish the president would die, but I make a cancer comment on the smokers outside you take offense and call me out on it?

I hate you. You are a horrible person.

199. Shit I want to say at work

It kills me that I could do your job but you have no idea how to do mine.
and you get paid more. 

198. Shit I want to say at work

197. Shit I DID say at

It's all fun and games when you jokingly ask me to do something for you until I say "yes. That is if you do something for me."

196. Shit I DID say at work

We really need an intern.

195. Shit I want to say at work

I have finally tricked my employer into thinking when I move the piles around on my desk I'm getting work done.

194. Shit I want to say at work

How about you stop inventing new projects for yourself so you look important and just do your fucking job. K, thanks. 

193. Shit I want to say at work

It's a good thing my boss doesn't know what I do, that way I can take as long as I want doing it.

192. Just one question

WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?

Grown men asking and answering this question is probably the funniest thing in the world

191. Shit I want to say at work

Yes, I wear crocs. I dont care if they look ridiculous. my back and feet feel great after a long day of work, does yours?

Crocs: the best invention in foam since nerf toys

190. Shit I want to say at work

Guys I have a great idea, I'm gonna get a smart phone. That won't impede my work at all.

189. Advice and Words of Wisdom

Work is a game of survivor. Trust no one and noone will trust you. Keep a paper trail. I've lost count of the times that I've saved my own ass by having paperwork as proof.

188. Shit I want to say at work

Whelp it looks like I'm not getting any work done today, the work computer doesn’t block pinterest anymore.

187. Shit I want to say at work

We are never getting another intern.
Ever.
They actually make more work than there was in the first.

186. Shit I want to say at work

HAPPY HALLOWEEN (Way to go SOX!)

185. Advice and Words of Wisdom

WARNING: Don't put out candy on your desk if you don't want people to see what you're doing on your computer.

184. Advice and Words of Wisdom

Want coworkers to like you better?
Put better candy than that candy whore in the cubicle next to yours.

183. Advice and Words of Wisdom

Want coworkers to like you? Put candy out on your desk.

182. Shit I want to say at work

Do not call me day of your big important whatever and need something when you've know about it for months.
“Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part”

181. Shit I want to say at work

Does anybody take pride in their work anymore?

180. Shit I want to say at work

It's great that I get to do this on overtime,
but fixing your mistakes that you earned overtime for is not my idea of productive.

179. Shit I want to say at work

Just because you have a horrible marriage and horrible kids don't tell me not to get married or have kids. I am nothing like you and will never have the same marriage as you nor raise my children anything like the way you do. Some people actually like their family.

178. Shit I want to say at work: Turkey for lunch

Oh it’s the start of turkey hunting season? Yes let me eat my lunch as you describe the perfect way to kill and clean turkey.

177. Fireme Friday: Reasons I should be Fired

I'm reading Fanfic.

176 Shit I want to say at work

Seriously what do interns not get about numerical order? Numerical? Order?

175. Shit I want to say at work

I may not be able to pick a lock, but I've never met a CD burner I can't get open with a paperclip.
I'm liked an Office MacGyver.

174. Shit I want to say at work

I'm not saying our new cleaning guy is a robot, but I just witnessed him staring at a wall for 5 full minutes.


Guys, the new cleaning guy is a robot.

VACATION at Murphy's Law Inc

A trip to Washington DC during a government Shut Down?
Yep this is working for Murphy's Law Inc.
Back to work tomorrow.

VACATION OCT 7-11

173. Shit I want to say at work

Oh it's not my fault, but you're going to blame me anyway breaking your week long silent treatment. Okay.

172. Shit I DID say at work

When I say I'm in charge of my offices files, I don't have a couple of filling cabinets in my office. There is a locked room that acts as a giant filing cabinet. Files date back to 1927, and for the past decade we average about 20,000 files per year. Having said that, all files are dated and have a unique identifying number and we have a very complex, very expensive computer system to keep track of them all. And unlike my bedroom, my house, my office- the filing room is neat and orderly. It has to be. If you can't find a file, it's a big deal. That means it's missing and consequences are not good and usually involve me.

If you can't find a file because you've forgotten to look up where it is on the computer, you're an idiot and I will call you out on it.

171. Shit I DID say at work: Absolutely true conversations

Coworker: I need paper.
Me: Did you look next to the printer?
CW: Yes, but I need a lot.
Me: Did you look next to the printer?
CW: Okay No, but I don't think it's there
Me: I walk over and point 
CW: Well if I need more I'll ask you
Me: okay
15mins later
CW: I need paper
Me: Did you look below the printer
CW: No. Can't you just get me paper?
Me: So you can't look next to where your standing 2 sec ago, where we store the paper, but you want me to go all the way to the supply room to get you extra paper so I can hand it to you.
CW: pause Yes
Me: in disbelief Well ok then ... here.
CW: Thank-you. Hey, so you make copies right. Can you...
Me: Now you want me to do it for you?
CW: … No, I mean this isn't even for my case, it's for Them. It's a competency test - unless you want to do it for me?
Me: (The question was partially genuine because despite being a secretary I could take the test and pass it.) Not unless you give me your salary.
CW: OH here we go!

Really! Really?
This is how it felt. 

169. Shit I want to say at work

To Other Secretary: The silent treatment won't work on me, I enjoy not talking to you.

Besides you are at least 45, the silent treatment? Really? Yep, You're a professional.
Is this one of you grand parenting skills at work?

170. Shit I want to say at work

Whatever, I am so over your drama.

168. Shit I want to say at work

It's not that I don't like you, it's that I rather eat lunch with my computer than listen to your petty conversation.

167. Shit I want to say at work

“Tattling” on me to the boss, and making him ask on your behalf doesn't make my answer change.
I can't make things miraculously appear. I wasn't lying to you.

166. Shit I want to say at work

How is it when I lose something it's my problem and when you lose something it's still my problem?

165. Shit I want to say at work

Yet another stimulating conversation about how your oldest kid is a bully. He torments his brother. (more than usually sibling rivalry from the stories you've told) You are his parent, you have no one to blame but yourself.

164. Shit I want to say at work

I'm not 12 you don't need to remind me to do my job GOD!

163. Shit I want to say at work

I'm genuinely glad you reminded me to do that, I totally forgot.

162. Shit I want to say at Work

161. Shit I DID say at work: Absolutely True Conversations

Coworker: Hey, did you ever see the new Star Trek film? 
Me: Khan!!!!  Letting my inner Geek shine through.
Coworker 2 pops head up from cubical: Whoa this is a whole new side of you.

160. Shit I want to say at work

OMG stop complaining and blaming other people, you screwed up, deal with it.

159. Shit I did say at work

Coworker: [still trying to come up with solutions to a issue] Well how about...
Me: Oh, I gave up caring a 1/2 hour ago. It's not my emergency.

158. Fireme Friday

I use the copier for non-work related things.

157. Shit I did say at work

I hate people.
All that they are and all that they represent...
                                                      ...well except you.

156. Shit I want to say at work

I know you've never had an Admin before but my job isn't to do your job.

155. Working at Murphy's Law Inc

Grabbed a can of tuna for lunch. It was cat food.

154. Fireme Friday: Reasons I should probably be Fired #1

I steal pens.

153. Shit I want to say at work

When you say there isn't a serial number on a piece of your equipment, do you mean it's not blatantly obvious and you can't read it without your reading glasses?

152. YW Advice and Words of Wisdom: Thanks for the Candy

Your whole life, there's always been that creepy, weird person somewhere in your life. I guarantee it - that's just when we were little, then you finally grow up.

Even now, at your job, there is a FREAK. There is a weird guy at every job that makes you Concernicus every time he's around - and the strange thing about it - it's the SAME GUY at every single job you go to, right? He's there, you quit, you go to the new job and you're like "Omigod, isn't that the guy from the other job?? That's the guy! The scary guy!! .....Why am I talking in such a high voice?? It's ridiculous! *whimper*"

I can describe the guy - I can tell you right now, I can list all the features of this guy. First of all, he's not a fat guy, he's not fat, you'd never say he was fat, but he is SHAPES. He's like an amoeba, he's always a different consistency, he's like a lava lamp type of individual. He walks around very slow, he's got that perfect orb front-ass "What is that?? It's PERFECT!!" It's like he's got a botanical garden, and he grows potatoes in his taint. "What IS that??" You wanna see it - but you DON'T. You wanna see it, but you're all set. Nobody talks to that guy, you don't talk to that guy. He's got the blue-blocker glasses on, you never see his eyes, he's got the pocket with the whole jubilee of pens - in case he has to write, a LOT, and nobody talks to that guy.

If you're in the break room with a couple of your friends, right, and you see him come morphing out of your periph, the second he comes in you're like, "Hey, you guys wanna get the fuck out of the break room? You guys wanna- what do you wanna do? Let's go up on the roof and breakdance. Let's just - Let's go behind the vending machine, can somebody *begins to hyperventilate* pull up the vending machind so I can go behind HERE?? MOVE the MACHINE, please!! PLEASE?!?"

Nobody talks to that guy, but let me tell you something - every job I've ever had in my life, I talk to that guy. I would talk to him - I would find him on purpose, and I would have little chit-chats with him, and I would be very interested, and I'd be like "By the way, here's a Snicker's, that's for you; peanuts, caramel, put that in your mouth, enjoy that." You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes when he *PFF* snaps, and he comes in to work with a sawed-off shotgun, walking through the halls *CH-CHK, FOOM* *CH-CHK, FOOM* and he finally gets to my office he's gonna be like "*inhales deeply*.....Thanks for the candy" *CH-CHK, FOOM* *CH-CHK, FOOM* *CH-CHK, FOOM*

You laugh now, but you KNOW Monday morning you're gonna be like "Hey Marcus. How was your weekend? What'd you do? Here, I bought you some pens for your crazy pocket. I know you love pens, and I happen to like pens too; we should talk about pens some day, just sit around talking about pens, inks, pens, caps, I love 'em."

by Dane Cook 

151. Shit I DID say at work

I don't believe you, can I just look for myself?

150. Shit I want to say at work

I don't know why you insist that this job has turned me cold, because honestly I don't see it.
But I will hug you any day of the week.

149. Shit I want to say at work

Don't judge me when I'm 5 minutes late. You were a half hour late, you just have earlier hours than I do so I can't 'catch' you.

148. Shit I want to say at work: What do you mean that's sexual harassment?

Hello cute IT man in a setting up our new computer system who looks just like Sam Huntington.
I'm having trouble with my computer, I think you might have to turn it off and on again.
I see that you don't have a wedding ring. That's so funny I don't have a wedding ring.
We have so much in common.  

147. Shit I want to say at work

Why are you creating extra steps?
You're wasting your time.
and mine.

146. Public Relations: Customer Nicknames

The Smelly Brothers: They spent hundreds and I mean hundreds of dollars every time they came into the store – and they tried to haggle every part of it: A torn page , a clearance book, mis-stickered item. The worst part is you knew they were in the store before you ever saw them. You could smell them. Not to mention they looked like Gungan kings. 

145. Shit I want to say at work

It's Friday, I'm not doing shit.

144. Shit I want to say at work

The Customer is not always right.

Nothing is better than a manager who has your back.

Nothing is worse than a manager who stabs you in it.

143. Terms of Employment: FU

The computer system we have uses codes so we don’t have to type the full command and other computer jargon reasons.

One code I use on a Daily basis is C FU. Someone has a sense of humor and it makes me happy that I get to tell the system to ‘F’ itself.

142. YW Advice and Words of Wisdom

Want to get noticed at work?

Wear a hat.

More people noticed that hat then when I cut 10 inches off.